When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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