My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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