We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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