Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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