Please, let me fuck your mom
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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