toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
