We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
