Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
