I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
