I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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