A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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