I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
