She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
