Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
