Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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