I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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