I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
