a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
