Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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