If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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