nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
