It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
