I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
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