Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
