They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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