I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
