I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
