i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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