Don't make out with my wife yet
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
