theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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