his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
