she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
