I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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