i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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