Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
