On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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