Say something about gay babies.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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