i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
