Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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