Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
In other news, I just burned my penis
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
