Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I want a musical about memes.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
