The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
