Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
