you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
