dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
