I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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