I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
