new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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