Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
