I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
