so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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