I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Randomize
