I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Alive.
So much puke
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
