Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Randomize
