Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
