Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
